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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve long felt that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a happy life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Many times, it happens so quickly that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It irritates my family and friends and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and compelling myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I revert to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that therapy might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You know it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will kindly probe you, offering a comfortable setting to explore and embrace who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more effective. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or exposure, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a cycle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward change.